INDY F-ING 500 time!!!!

Hello boys and girls... been a while. It's my favorite time of year... the month of May in Indy. Ashley Judd, who just happens to be the wife of one of the hot favorites Dario Franchetti, is usually naked, so please excuse the clothed pic I found. Let's just cut to the chase here and I'll give you my predictions:

Hot Favorites: Helio. He's Brazilian and everyone knows who he is, so why doesn't he follow the lead of other Brazilians and just go by one name?

Tony Kanaan. My favorite driver, but the Andretti Green guys couldn't seem to find the speed during practice. Can they get the car set for race day? I like TK b/c he is cool and Brazilian... as is she.

Scott Dixon. Another one of the boring Aussie guys along with Ryan Briscoe. At least his wife is hot.

Not so hot favorites: Danica, Marco Andretti, Graham Rahal. Out of these three I think that young Graham has the best shot to win. His car is fast, he seems like a cool dude, and he'd bring name recognition to the sport. He needs to start banging cocktail waitresses two at a time to get more street cred though.

Rumor has it that Danica and Marco are bangin... this would make sense b/c they race for the same team and... well nothing else. I'd love to have one night with her.... make that 37 seconds I love her. This is why.

Actually it is a very competitive field and there are way too many people who could win. If you don't watch the race this year (1:00 est) then you sir are worse than Hitler (stolen from Redeye w/ Greg Gutfeld).

How to save the US economy...

Good day all,

In honor of GW's last day in office, here is his daughter Barbara, who incidently I am completely obsessed with, and his niece Lauren. I'm marrying Barbara. Jimbaugh, use your connections in DC and get me a date.

T-minus less than 24 hours before Barack Obama MF! I will devote this column to how President Obama can save the wretched US economy. The easiest and quickest way to save the economy rests with one word and one word only... weed (hemp and weed to be precise).

When FDR became president he realized how horrible prohibition was for the country. People were still drinking the same amount that they used to, but bootleggers and more importantly, the Mafia, were providing the quenching libations that the country still desired. So, all that prohibition really did was take away tax revenue and enable the meteoric rise of the Mob.

Click here for an interesting read on how Prohibition was repealed.

We are in the midsts of what I believe will be a depression far greater than the Great depression of the 30's. We have had an artificial economy based on building houses. When 1/3 of the economy is housing based, there are serious concerns when that collapses. Those jobs are not coming back for a long long time b/c.... well... there is such an oversupply of inventory, we could go another 20 years without building another house and still have a surplus. So if people think these jobs are coming back, they will be sorely mistaken.

Which brings me to my point about marijuana. Legalization of marajuana will do many great things for the country. All of these points are linked and I will do my best to make this point flow smoothly, but remember, I am but a blogger and my writing skills are severely below average.

1) Creation of Tax revenues. Being a California resident, I will not be receiving a tax return this year b/c the state is 45 BILLION dollars in debt. Yes, you read that correctly. $45,000,000,000. The prison budget for this year is $9 BILLION! Sheeeeeeeeeeit. I do not have a specific number to the amount of people who have been incarcerated due to weed, but it can't be a low number.

2) State and Federal agents focus on more heinous crimes. The amount of money that the state and federal agencies spend on the war on drugs is mind blowing. If we can eliminate a big portion of this budget to where they can focus more relevant crimes, this will ease the pressure on these agents.

3) Creation of shipping, distributing, and farming jobs. One big benefit of FDR's repeal of prohibition was an explosion is trucking, packaging and distributing.

4) People are going to do what they want. Whenever I suggest my plan people always say, "Well if it were legal everyone would be driiving around high!" Well, alcohol is legal and people either drive drunk or they don't drive drunk. The number of health related issues due to excessive alcohol consumption is far worse than the health related issues due to smoking weed. Either people are going to smoke or they aren't. It's really that simple.

5) For underage kids, buying weed is much easier than buying alcohol. You see all these television ads where it's showing underage kids smoking weed and making them out to be losers, but you never see ads about underage kids drinking. Huh, seems like the government knows that kids can buy weed pretty easily.

I'm rambling and it's 78 and sunny outside so I gotta roll. Thanks for reading and I hope that I've given you some insight into why I hate old white guys.

Update: As if President Bush were reading my blog he pardoned the two border agents who shot drug smuggler who was smuggling in.... you guessed it... WEED!!!

Another Festivus Miracle!!!!!

Yes, that's correct boys and girls, it's festivus season... time to let your guard down and enjoy each others company. I, for one, have had an unbelievable year.

Trips to:

Austin: to meet my dream girl, only to eat 15 shit sandwiches right before spending the night with her and giving her a tuba sounding Dutch oven. At least I told her I loved her when she dropped me off at the hotel. She will not respond to my calls

Montana: to again meet a girl where I proceded to go to her room and pass out face first on the floor the second she opened the door. I was literally 5 steps from the sleeping vestibule. She will not respond to my calls.

New York: Great girl, another black out session that entaled rolling around on the grass with a new suit on (grass stains all over it) while a group of fellow wedding attendees sipped champagne cocktails and watched curiously... She RETURNS my calls.

So what have I learned this year? Rolling on grass w/ random redhead...good. Hot boo boo breath,Tuba farts and passing out 5 steps too soon...bad.

This year had so much more though.... From "Maam Maam Maam, make it clap" to going to the Breeders cup and winning a cool G stack. It has been a great year and I'm looking forward to spending time with all of you.

Remeber you only live once. Always, ALWAYS tell your family and friends you love them. Live in the now with the corner of your eye on the future.

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year.

Check ya later, check ya later...

Still testing that line to see if girls really don't want to hear that shit. It doesn't really matter, b/c when you walk into a bar like this, girls melt. My girl Parker Posey was in Dazed and Confused, and she just might be in my top 5. Why didn't the girls I went to high school look like her and her friends?

I watched El Capitan De America get worked by the Vanilla Gorilla last Sat night, and I hate to say I told you so, but Couture is past is prime and needs to hang it up. I did however see one of the nastiest knockouts in a long time in one of the undercard bouts.

Good luck to Barry Obama, he is going to need it. The end of capitalism as we know it? I hope not, but it sure is looking that way.

I'm not letting it get me down though... probably b/c I have these girls picking me up from the airport when I arrive in Buenos Aires in March.

They are not worried about the economy, and neither should you.

Vamos Vamos Argentina!!!

Marty McFly

Barry O, Cal ranked=blowout loss, Vanes lost

Hello all and welcome to the new year denomination, year 1 AB... After Barry Obama has been elected. Everything is going to change. People looked to the cookie, and the cookie has spoken. I'm happy for the guy and I hope he does well. Biggest 2 day drop on the dow since '87 isn't what I would want to walk into though. Yikes.

In honor of my first USC game I have provided you with a picture of the famous USC Song Girls. If that one is not sufficient for you fellow lovehandlers, this wonderful pic should help ease the November blues.

Cal has been ranked twice this year, and each time have gotten destroyed. I'm hoping that the third time is better for them, although I wouldn't want to bet on it.

Little bummed today because my buddy Kyle Vanes, I mean Uriah Faber, got rocked last night and lost his featherweight title. He tried the flying elbow which completely backfired in his face. Just go to about 4:21 in the fight and youll see. Maybe he was watching Anderson Silva knock some dude the F*** out with a crazy elbow and tried to replicate it. He's a true champion and in the interview he was gracious in defeat...

Speaking of interviews, my next interview I'm going in like my boy James Brown. Being crazy is one thing, being crazy and really not giving a shit is another. All future employers have been put on notice, I am going into interviews guns a blazin.

I'm looking forward to this weekend and meeting my future ex. I mean if the dude at the sushi bar can tell his date, "We've all dated models, we've all moved on," and STILL go home with her, there is hope.

Brett

Spring Break 08... Oct. version

I just got back from Spring Break 08 in October. What is that you say? It's when your friend comes in town and you go out 4 nights in a row... and mix a 14 hour day of drinking in there as well.

Now I'd love to tell you that some of the girls out here are as delictable as our friend Jaime Lynn, but Meadow Soprano crushes them all. Not to mention that art is imitating life and Turtle really is dating her, as noted by their hanging out at the Breeders Cup.

Speaking of the Breeders Cup, I just have one word to sum it up... AWESOME. Being my first horse race I didn't really know what to expect, but I did expect a good turnout of Great LA Boobs...and they were out in full force my friends. 80,000 people, sun is shining, ear to ear grins, and a full day of pure enjoyment just around the corner.

So we walked into Santa Anita just prior to the third race when I saw horse # 7 Alburtus Maximus strut out. He had a look about him so I figured he is a good first ever horse bet... and what do you know, he won. Obviously I got cocky and got clobbered the rest of the day until the big race of the day, when it was Curlin vs. Europe's finest.

Now I must tell you, we have been giving my idiot savant gambling buddy fields.com 5 bucks a race for him to place obscure combinations, much to no avail. So prior to the big two races, he asks for $10 a race and none of us hesitate of course. So while everyone, including myself, was dissapointed when Curlin lost, Fields.com had the slightest smirk on his face and uttered the words, "this could pay a lot." To make a long story short, he bet on the three horses to finish 1st, 2nd, and 3rd. This is why I loved putting all my trust in the kid for all my bets. In the next 15 minutes we figured out that the amount all of us won was more than enough to enjoy quite a few lap dances....

And on to the lap dances. When did full on touching become allowed/encouraged at Gentleman's clubs? Not that I'm complaining (The Lovely Chrisssssssssssssssssssssssssstana anyone?). And when did they start bringing out the A team @ 7:00? Yea, they had a couple of B teamers, even C teamers, but they had some quality first rounders early... kudos to pico riviera.

You know that your weekend is out of control when you hang out with a daytime Soap actress whose trivia portion of her IMPD page states one thing and one thing only: "Once dated Weird Al". So from Weird Al to Weird Me. A pretty smooth transition me thinks.

And I wonder why I got sick and missed the last two days of work...



Post

UFC 90,Retiring @ 37, Breeders Cup, boycotting Facebook & batting .137 on Match.com

Sorry. I have been slacking on the blog, and I apologize. Because there is an Awesome UFC fight card this weekend in my old town of Chicago, I decided to provide you with my girlfriend (on the computer) Edith Larente. In case you are looking for more, here is a kind of NSFW pic. She's definitely in Boner Jams '03.

I love the Spider (Anderson Silva) and Koscheck, so I hope they both win, but Tiago Alves' nickname is the pitbull, and if he doesn't look like a Pitbull, then I don't look like an Anteater.

After being a desk jockey and not taking risk, I've become soft. I used to want to be like this guy and tell everyone that they are dumb and soft... but now I am dumb and soft. After reading this I'm getting back to my roots and Slangin em and always, ALWAYS rolling the dice. I only live once.

Speaking of slangin em and rolling the dice, I'll be heading out to the Breeders Cup World Championships this Sat with my boy Fields.com who is an idiot savant at horse race gambling, so we expect to be coming home with close to 100 times what we went out there with. Curlin has been LOVING the new surface during his warm ups and might win by 20 lengths. 7-5 odds suck, but it's still easy money.

Facebook's headline should be: "Facebook: When you want to stalk a girl you hooked up with 8 years ago b/c you are down in the dumps and you want to remember that you were cool at one time." Or "Facebook: I am extremely narcissistic and want to show everyone how much fun I am having and how my pictures are better than yours." This is why I avoid Facebook like the plague. I really don't want anyone knowing what I'm doing. Nothing good comes out of that.

On a final note, is my match.com profile really that bad? Cripes! When you get cold in real life, I guess it seeps over into online dating as well. I can't so much as get a little nibble unless the girl lives 500 miles away... with her parents... and her vision is far worse than 20/20.

Thanks for reading and I'll sign off with my political endorsement...
"Mayor, Goldie Wilson, I like the sound of that!"